The phrase “my own worst enemy” has become ubiquitous in our society. It’s an umbrella concept that refers to any time we have engaged in behavior that appears antithetical to our stated life goals.
If we procrastinate when we want to apply for a job – own worst enemy. When we don’t adhere to a diet and exercise plan to achieve fitness – own worst enemy. If we let out our frustration and anger towards someone when we have been drinking – own worst enemy. When we choose to leave a relationship that doesn’t feel right to us but others think should work – own worst enemy.
The common thread in the “own worst enemy” indictment is that we criticize first and ask questions later. We observe our overt behavior, examine the emotional, social, financial, and even legal wreckage that we have left behind, and broadly condemn ourselves as self-defeating and dysfunctional. And we hope that our vicious self-excoriation will prevent us from undertaking the maladaptive behavior in the future. Yet it rarely does. And we feel that we continue to be our own worst enemy in perpetuity.
Few songs have captured this cycle – our penchant for alleged self-destruction with our yearning to change than Lit’s 1999 hit song “My Own Worst Enemy.” The song is considered one of the best and most influential pop-punk songs of all time. Its enduring nature was recently highlighted in 2020 when it was certified Double Platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America.
When the song was initially written, it was perhaps a straightforward ode to boneheaded self-destructive behavior that most of us do at one time or another.
Singer-songwriter Ajay Popoff of Lit seemed to be speaking for us all when he asked the question, “Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?”
Who amongst us has not done something that we’d like to take back? But over time, when considering the popularity and seeming universality of the song, it begs the question, why are we all at one time or another “our own worst enemy?” Are we all really just blatantly self-destructive and self-defeating? Or is there a greater purpose to our self-defeating behavior? Is there a part of us that is yearning to break through and be heard as we struggle to be definitively not self-defeating?article continues after advertisement
In talking with Popoff, I began to understand that maybe being our own worst enemy is not about making mistakes, but rather about judging rather than listening to our needs and wants so that we fail to learn from the mistakes we make.
Popoff explained that he wrote the song at age 22 to reflect on his own occasional “self-destructive” behavior, particularly excessive drinking, but that seemingly self-defeating behavior can occur at any age. “It doesn’t matter how old you are, you’re still at times your own worst enemy … you do something, and you repeat the same mistakes. You’re like, ‘Damn, you think I’d have learned by now,” Popoff told me. “We all slip on a regular basis. And you learn from some of those mistakes. And other ones you’re just gonna repeat.”
On the one hand, Popoff reflected on how his drinking behavior was at times self-destructive. But he also recognized that there was at least an implicit sense of purpose to his drinking. There was an aspirational aspect to it, in which he could transform from being a quiet, shy, introverted person into a bigger-than-life “rock star” persona. Alcohol felt like a vehicle that fused with the music to help transform him onstage.
“When you’re starting out as a musician … it becomes more about the person you’re trying to become, thinking that that’s a better person, or more exciting in some way…,” Popoff said. “During the early days, I used being a frontman of a band to be someone else … almost like a role … When I’m on stage, I’m a completely different person than what people see on a day-to-day basis … but that was just an alter ego or a split kind of thing.”
Popoff noticed an interesting dilemma that he faced. As an artist and performer, he was encouraged to be open, exploratory, and creative. He was told to follow his “gut instinct” – as a songwriter and as a performer. Yet if his “gut instinct” led him in a direction that others deemed “wrong” in some way, he was criticized. This caused Popoff to second-guess his instincts, but that would often lead to giving in to fear and stifling himself emotionally and creatively.article continues after advertisement
“When people say just go with your gut, go with instinct … Most people don’t usually because they’re like, ‘Well, wait, no, that can’t be right. That feels too spontaneous. I got to think about that. And I got to talk myself out of it or through it somehow.’ That’s where fear comes from a lot of the time and anxiety. I feel like I do that to myself quite a bit…,” Popoff explained. “I’ve shown up to things and… if I’m not given time to talk myself out of it, I’m usually way better off.”
Popoff described how at times, he as an artist, and perhaps Lit as a band, has fallen into the trap of overthinking their creative and professional choices. He feels that there is a risk that this overthinking could hinder his growth as an artist. Popoff described that,
We overthink everything now. And we never used to overthink like we do now … We think we know more and we think we’ve got to outdo ourselves when really an artist just has to be who they are…It doesn’t have to be a better process than it was 20 years ago.
And we feel like you’ve got to grow as a human as a writer as a performer. There’s some truth to that but you don’t want to overthink it so where you’re almost like a painter, and they keep adding colors, and eventually it just looks like it lost all of its, you know, definition? Because it’s too much.
Popoff feels that at times he wishes he could return to the more innocent times when he felt freer to be his own worst enemy and be open to exploring different avenues creatively. He reflected on a lyric from Bob Seger’s song “Against The Wind” as reflecting his yearning for that innocence. “There’s a lyric to Bob Seger, ‘Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then,’ Popoff explained. “And it’s so true … I keep saying, ‘get that tattooed somewhere on my body.’ Because it’s, that is something that I think about constantly. The more I know, the more I do battle with myself.”article continues after advertisement
Over the years, Popoff has found that he has been able to balance the two sides of his personality. “I feel like I need a balance to be who I am,” he reflected.
And there’s, I think there’s some strengths in my more reserved, quiet daily self. I think it helps me with a lot of my relationships, whether it be my wife, or some of my close friends. I think if I was like, Ajay on stage at a festival all the time, people would get annoyed by me, you know what I mean? … not saying that any of it isn’t me. I just need that separation at times.
Overall, Popoff has come to recognize that perhaps his own worst enemy was not a specific behavior such as drinking per se, but rather the judgment that he had that any time he stepped out of line, it was exclusively a “mistake.”
Rather, he now sees those different sides of himself as a part of a more holistic and complete representation of who he is as an artist and person. Lit is now working on a new studio album, and Popoff is hoping that they bring some of the open, creative energy that occasionally might lead one to be their “own worst enemy” to the music.
“I’m a lot older now. I’ve gone through a lot of big life things – loss, divorce, death, marriage again, having a child – now has gone off to college … . I’ve grown I’ve learned from mistakes…,” Popoff said.
That being said, this new album that we’ve been working on, we consciously wanted to put ourselves back in a little more of the headspace we were in, you know, say A Place in the Sun or Atomic record era. That energy and that sort of passion… I think it was some rediscovery.
I don’t want to lose the spontaneity of what made that so special … If I don’t make mistakes, and if I’m not still occasionally f*cking up or make an ass on myself, I’m not gonna have anything to write about.
I don’t want to just write about you know, how responsible I am.
