For many people, the Covid-19 pandemic has turned the world upside down. Over the past year, we have faced the daily specter of death, sickness, isolation and economic instability. Our most natural instincts suddenly became dangerous. In many cases in order to stay safe, we had to adopt a more cautious and hesitant approach our lives. We needed to stay away from rather than get closer to people we love or people we would have hoped to meet. Rather than going out and enjoy the world, we needed to stay at home and limit our wanderlust. Any plans for future events became tenuous as we could not predict the state of the world around us.
As many of us have been vaccinated, have acquired immunity, or feel more certain of how to be safe in the context of the pandemic, we are now perhaps cautiously optimistic that life can once again feel “normal.” And yet the pandemic is unfortunately just one of a series of catastrophic world events that have occurred over the past couple of decades. It seems as though we are simply rolling from one horrible event to the next — from the terrorist attacks of 9/11, to the multiple collapses of the stock market, to mass shootings, and natural disasters such as Hurricane Katrina – the potentially traumatizing events have been seemingly incessant. And this is all in the context of ever-widening economic disparity causing a large percentage of the population to feel unable to escape poverty.
These events have exacerbated what was already a burgeoning mental health crisis. And we are most likely just beginning to see the damage to people’s emotional and physical well-being. And while these events are damaging to all of us, it can be argued that they are perhaps most potentially damaging to our children. In fact, many are predicting that poor mental health amongst children will be the next “wave” of the pandemic. The result has been not only immediate distress and despair, but also a greater feeling of uncertainty about the future.
As parents, our primary job is to provide our children with a sense of safety and stability. The hope is that they will then feel comfortable to settle in and work hard to build a life of health, accomplishment and happiness. But we know, and to a large degree our children know that the world may not be so safe and secure.
How do we help our children feel stable in an unstable world?
I have been thinking about this issue a great deal since talking with Tim McIlrath, founding member and vocalist of the band Rise Against on the Hardcore Humanism Podcast. In that conversation we discussed the new Rise Against album Nowhere Generation, and the ongoing stressful events that this generation of young people face. And our conversation informed my thoughts on how we as parents can help our children cope with the uncertainty that we all face.
First and foremost, this is a situation in which we must “put our own oxygen masks on first.” Before we address the needs of our children, we must recognize the effects of ongoing uncertainty on us as individuals and parents. It is crucial that we manage our own mental health as we engage in the stressful task of parenting. This means validating rather than avoiding our fears regarding the state of our world, our well-being and our children’s well-being. We will be much more effective as parents if we are approaching these difficult issues from a healthier and happier place. And we will be more likely to model healthy coping behavior if we are effectively managing our own stress and fear.
This includes making sure that as best as possible we are sleeping well, eating healthy foods, exercising and limiting substance use. In addition to our work and parenting responsibilities, we must make time to engage in enjoyable activities and connect with others. And if necessary, it is crucial that we seek out additional mental health care, including medication, psychotherapy and support groups. Whatever we can do to bolster our overall health and well-being, we must make it a priority.
The second thing that we must do is ask ourselves, “What is our purpose in parenting?” This may seem like an odd question as we all generally want our kids to be safe, happy and healthy. But that may mean different things for different people. Do we value our child’s near-term happiness over working towards long term goals? Do we think our kids are better served focusing on developing friendships or exploring interests? Do we value discipline and hard work as compared to encouraging fun and leisure? Whatever it is, it is critical that we understand our purpose in parenting in order to determine how we are going to approach this difficult time.
Next, during this unstable time, we need to take extra care to listen to our children. Of course, we should always listen to our children if possible. But now it’s different. We live in a world in which our children have access to information on the internet and social media that many of us did not have growing up and may not have an intuitive feel for. We may be great at figuring out whether our child stole alcohol from our liquor cabinet but less adept at knowing what websites they’ve visited. Listening is our most important tool in building that connection and figuring out how stable our children are feeling at a given time.
In addition, just as we validate ourselves, we must validate our children’s fears of the world in which we live. It is not in our best interest to pretend that there are not dangers in the world. Nor is it in our best interest to artificially reassure our children that there are no risks ahead. They will soon know that we are painting a rosy picture that may not match their reality, and lose faith in us. They need to know that we are kind and supportive but can deal with these harsh realities.
That being said, it is also crucial that we explain to our children that even in the context of an unstable world, it is still in their best interest to work towards their purpose in life – what makes them feel happy, fulfilled and connected to others. And it is still in their best interest to enjoy the moment but plan for the future. And if they are concerned about the world around them, we can encourage them that there are two ways to gain some degree of control.
One, they can still have agency – efficacy to work hard to try to have the life they want. Whether this is through working hard at school, engaging in fun activities and sports, pursuing new interests and/or nurturing relationships, there is still an opportunity to build a life they want. And it is critical that we try as best as we can to make sure that our children are aware of our purpose as parents. And then we must try as best as we can to connect our purpose with theirs, so that everyone involved is on the same page. We can see the instability in the world and still do what we can in the here and now to have the life we want.
Second, while there are many things happening in the world that may seem beyond their control, as they get older, they will have the opportunity to have influence and make change in the systems and structures that make up the world that we live in. They may decide to engage in activism or volunteer work in areas that are meaningful to them. This can also be strong opportunity to bond with our children as we face and try to change the world’s problems together. Whether it’s through attending marches, voting, or even getting involved more directly in politics or political causes, there are many ways that children and families can work to make actual change.
And finally, even if we take care of ourselves, listen to and validate our kids, and help them pursue their purpose, they may still find themselves struggling. And just as we need to seek help for ourselves during difficult times, we need to be open to our children getting additional help as well – whether it be through therapy or medication. The key is to face these issues, keep an open mind and take action.
Good luck parents during this unstable and unnerving time.
May the power of purpose be with you.
