“Whatever you do
Just do it away from me
Whoever you want to be
Just be it away from me
Wherever you go
Just go there away from me
Whoever you are now
Just stay clear away from me”
From “Keep Away From Me” by DevilDriver
When you think of someone who suffers from agoraphobia – a fear of going outside or in crowds — there is a stereotype of a frightened meek individual, huddled in the corner of their home, terrified of any human contact. We certainly don’t think of brazen, confrontational heavy metal stars who ride the lightning and call down the thunder with their fierce music and live shows. And yet here is Dez Fafara – frontman of heavy metal road warriors DevilDriver – sharing with the world how he struggles with agoraphobia. And he deals with his agoraphobia the way he deals with everything else in his life – with bold, outside-the-box thinking and a strong sense of purpose.
When I work with people who struggle with agoraphobia or social anxiety, one of the most striking issues I find is how much pressure there is on people to be social. From the moment we are born, we are essentially pushed into socializing with others. We are encouraged to go out and play with friends and have playdates. In school, we are graded on “class participation.” It’s as if heavily socializing is the key to mental health and success, while being to oneself or a “loner” is one step away from being a serial killer. And there is evidence that having strong social connections is adaptive. For many people, social connection is associated with higher functioning and well-being, whereas loneliness can be an indicator or cause of isolation and poor mental health. But this all feeds into a stereotype that anyone with few friends is suspect and leads to potential stigma.
Fafara described the experience of that pressure. “I’ve had a problem my whole life with being around groups of people, from my youngest times in elementary school … I was also the kid that came home, it’s like, ‘No, I don’t want to play with Johnny, I want to play with Legos in my room,’” Fafara told me. “And, you know, some would probably say that over almost 30 years in the music industry, I may have chosen the wrong profession as well, because I’m constantly having to be around people, go to meet and greets, those kinds of things. But I’m not the guy that’s going to go to the Grammy Awards party, even though I’m invited. I’m not the guy that’s going to go to the opening of such and such, because I don’t feel comfortable…
“I know there’s a lot of people that can identify with that.”
The consequences of being in an uncomfortable social situation for people who struggle with agoraphobia can be horrible. Often people experience severe panic attacks including racing heartbeat, sweating, dizziness and even passing out. Often an individual worries they may do or say something embarrassing. The feeling can be so pronounced that the person needs to avoid the situation pre-emptively or leave when the anxiety sets in. “Even at my age, my hands will sweat. And I’ll leave, I’ll just walk away,” Fafara explained. “I don’t really want to deal with this social situation of 20, 30 people. And I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to interject myself into the conversation. I don’t want to say anything wrong … I do better by myself or with my close family.”
And the stigma associated with agoraphobia can be harsh. There is often the misconception that if you struggle with agoraphobia, you must fear or hate people. But it’s not that simple. For many of us, it’s not a question of whether we like to socialize – but how we socialize. Being in big crowds is not for everyone; some people like a smaller more intimate connection with fewer people. “What I hear from people is, ‘oh, yeah, I don’t like humanity, either’ … It’s not that I don’t like humanity,” he described. “I feel more comfortable in my own shoes around very close friends or my family.”
We must also acknowledge that the fear that many people have about being in a large crowd of people – especially when we are expected to interact with them directly – is not unfounded. In Fafara’s case, he is often expected to interact with thousands of people during a show and hundreds of people after a show. The opportunity for mistakes is high and the consequences can be severe if fans or industry insiders are rubbed the wrong way. “You come in the room, you’re walking around, you’re shaking hands, you’re talking, but at a certain point in time, maybe six, seven minutes in, I feel like, ‘Am I saying the right thing? Who is this person? I don’t know them. Okay, now they’re asking me too many personal questions. Okay, I want to leave,’” Fafara said. “So, my instinct is to say, ‘You know, hey, I gotta go to the bathroom or go get something to drink or whatever.’ And I just split, which you can’t do and I don’t do but those are my inclinations.”
Part of what makes anxiety so difficult is the cycle of avoidance that many people find themselves in. There is a stressor, such as a social event with a large crowd of people, and then the anticipation of the negative things that could happen. It is inherently a position in which we feel “on our heels,” playing defense against what we fear could possibly happen. And as such, we cannot connect with our authentic self. We feel like we are disembodied – a raw nerve with no real sense of who we are or who we want to be socially.
But in spite of his inclination to just avoid large crowds or subject himself to his stressors and suffer through it, Fafara found that by stepping back and connecting with himself, he began to understand how he wanted to connect and interact with others. He developed a more purpose-driven approach in which he gave himself permission to seek out and initiate the type of social interaction he wanted, rather than having a given type of interaction forced upon him. In his case, he recognized that part of what made him anxious was that he did not enjoy “small talk.” Rather, he enjoyed more meaningful, in depth conversations. And so, his coping began with accepting this preference and trying to initiate those interactions. What he found was that this made the previously intolerable conversations a bit more manageable.
“I have found the best thing that works for me in those positions is to be completely honest. Don’t say anything that you think people want to hear. Don’t say anything to be cool,” he explained. “And in those instances, often, I’ll come walking away with a really strong, great feeling like, ‘What a great day! I had a great day!” And I don’t know why I feel good the whole day before the show but it’s actually because I met twenty, thirty, a hundred people that maybe I do have more in common with than I thought I did. And it helps me to kind of beat that phobia that I go through.”
Thus, Fafara feels less like a raw nerve – and more like himself. He’s connected to what he wants and who he feels he can be. And now the “meet and greets” work much better for Fafara. “Hopefully, they can get to the point that I’m not just some singer guy in their head and I can become a normal human being in their eyes,” he said. “For me, it’s all about just, ‘Okay, can we engage each other on a real like, on a down situation, where we’re all just having problems,” Fafara said. “It’s amazing … I wanted them to be more personal, so I could meet them, they could meet me. And it’s, it’s actually been the highlight of tours for me. Because those are moments I can go into, that I feel a little bit empowered.”
Photo credit: Stephanie Cabral
