Fearing death can be a natural part of the human condition. The mere thought of our own death or the death of our loved ones can evoke a range of painful emotions including terror, emptiness and depression. And we may feel these negative emotions for a number of reasons. We miss our loved ones when they pass. Perhaps we fear that we will miss out on the enjoyable aspects of life when we die. Or maybe we assume that as we approach death, we will experience pain and suffering.
One of the powerful reasons that we fear death is because it is at once both certain and yet unexplainable. We know we will die. But we simply do not know how we will die or what happens after we die. And sometimes when we struggle with comprehending the magnitude of the concept of death, it causes us to question the meaning and point of life. Why does anything matter while we are alive if we all end up dead? Unfortunately the vastness of these questions and the uncertainty of the answer can be overwhelming and all consuming, resulting in what can feel like a dark shadow hanging over our lives that is often referred to as “existential dread.”
How we handle our existential dread can be crucial to our overall mental health and well-being. In order to explore this issue, I spoke with Tim Booth – founding member, songwriter, and front man of the band James on The Hardcore Humanism Podcast. In James’ new album All The Colours of You, the band addresses the concept of existential dread. And during our discussion Booth explained that he does not view death as an unknown, menacing and final outcome. Rather, he sees death as part of a dynamic, vibrant, and hopeful process when we become free of the traumas and damages we experience during our life. In that sense, Booth does not view the prospect of death as a looming shadow. He views death as a form of birth.
There have been several personal experiences that have informed Booth’s understanding and experience of death. When he was 21, Booth had technically died as a result of liver disease but was then revived. Then approximately six years ago, his mother passed away. Booth described both experiences in positive terms – as a beautiful and empowering rather than frightening and final experience. “I had a great experience six years ago, in that my mother died in my arms. And it was beautiful. And it was clearly a birth. And it left me quite high for months. Because I never really got that connection between birth and death so graphically,” Booth told me. “I had died when I was 21. I stopped breathing in hospital. I had this inherited liver disease and I died of it, and then was revived. And that was beautiful. The dying was peaceful and beautiful in my experience. But when my mother died in my arms, it was like, ‘Oh, my God, it’s a birth’… And a great deal of my fear of death has dissipated. I have a fear of pain and I have a fear of decline … but not actually dying.”
These experiences were very consistent with what Booth witnessed when his father-in-law died this past year of Covid-19. Booth observed that his father-in-law was actually far from distraught and hopeless and actually seemed calm. In fact, Booth described what he was witnessing as a “freedom.” He relayed the conversation his father-in-law had with his wife before he passed. “One of the most amazing things … is witnessing people close to death and how free they can be … Grief is really for the people left behind. It’s not for the ones who go very often,” Booth explained. “My father-in-law who died of COVID a year ago … We were lucky enough to have a FaceTime conversation with him … And, she said … ‘I know you’re afraid Dad.’ And he waved his finger at the camera and … said, ‘I’m not afraid.’ And he really wasn’t afraid … An hour later, had a peach Bellini and died within an hour and a half. And that was his final request.”
One of the ways that Booth understands the peace that people feel when they die is that death is something of a cleansing process. It is a moment in which all of the traumas, conflicts and defenses that we have during our life fall away. And during that time, we return to an almost childlike innocence. In this sense, death returns us to an open-minded and hopeful state. Booth described observing this process decades ago when he witnessed his own father’s passing. “I had a similar experience, where my father had a stroke … My whole family had gathered … and we’re all standing around this semi circle. He’s unconscious with my mum. They’re all weeping. And I’m not weeping,” Booth recalled. “And …I remember … you saw his consciousness come into his eyes. He opened his eyes, and he looked around … one by one, at the half moon around his bed, and he saw, you know, my mother weeping, my sister weeping, my other sister weeping my brother weeping. And he’s like a little child. His eyes are like a little child looking out, I would probably say his soul is looking out with not much attachment to a personality at that point. And he sees me and I’m just standing there, beaming at him. And he looks at me for a while, and he goes, ‘You’re beautiful’ and then closes his eyes again … It was amazing to see my dad, so unafraid of death.”
From Booth’s perspective, if we ultimately experience that open, childlike feeling in which we are free of our previous traumas, then we might as well seek to achieve that more innocent state while we are alive. As a result, Booth has dedicated himself to a series of therapeutic healing and exploratory practices, including meditation and dance. He describes the struggles we face throughout our life – including fear of death — as our “shadow,” and that it is in our best interest to face our shadow while we are alive rather than only before we die. Booth explained how he witnessed his grandfather, a World War I Veteran struggle with his mental health long after the war. He felt that it was the result of his grandfather not working through the trauma he’d experienced during the war.
“How we respond to death, the existential fear of death, I think my way is to go and meet it really straightforward. I don’t think there’s any way to avoid it … And what I witnessed is if you don’t go to face your shadow, your shadow comes to get you … I’m a real believer that trauma gets locked into the body, I teach the method of trance dance, where it’s therapeutic dance. We get 100 people in the room and I deejay and talk them through it. And we find a way to dance and move whatever’s coming up for us, whatever rage, anger, sadness, grief. And you dance it, and you move it. And it’s amazing what it unlocks in the body,” Booth explained. “And I see that when people get old, and their body starts to break down, whatever traumas they’ve locked in the body, they can no longer hide. They come out. … So my thing was, well, better go meet my f*ck ups now, directly. Walk towards them. Go and try and work out why I’m full of fear and anxiety … Because if you don’t, when you get older, and your body starts to break down, they’ll come to meet you.”
Booth applies this approach of constantly learning and working through emotions also to his music. He explained how as a band, James tended to move away from more structured, repetitive live shows, and favored more improvisational performances. He felt that this approach to the music was optimal for creating that more cathartic and process-driven experience that helped the band and its fans use the music as an enriching experience. “And so it’s always for us as a band … how do we keep moving forward?” he asked. “But it’s for me about keep learning … I love learning new things. I love being out of my comfort zone. I’m 61. I took up surfing on my 61st birthday. And it’s like — I want new experiences. I don’t want it to stop. And I still stage dive, I still go in the audience. It’s the most thrilling moment for me to go in the audience and be passed around, really. They always look after me. I say ‘I’m a Ming vase, please look after me’. And they pass me around gently.”
Booth encourages others to embrace that type of ongoing exploratory and healing journey as a way of not being afraid of their shadow during both life and death. “It becomes a journey,” Booth said. “It becomes a door opening. Not a door closing.”
Photo Credit: Laura Toomer
