“When you throw my feelings on the fire
I can’t keep this down
And I feel like I won’t be afraid
When I’m buried in the sand”
From “Buried in the Sand” by Seether
Depression is an intense and devastating mental illness that can drain people of all joy, connection with others and/or energy to engage in the most basic tasks. The devastating effects of depression are so intense that it is considered the number one cause of work disability in the world. In our recent discussion for The Hardcore Humanism Podcast, Shaun Morgan of Seether shared his lifelong struggle with depression. For Morgan, depression feels like an enemy that he battles constantly in a war for his mental health and well-being. So, it’s quite apropos that the title of Seether’s new album, Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum (2020), translates to mean “If You Want Peace, Prepare for War.”
Having suffered from depression since he was a young child, Morgan sensed at an early age that his experience of depression was quite different from what other people referred to when they said they felt sad. “Depression doesn’t mean ‘I’m sad.’ Depression means a whole bunch, a whole slew of other things. Sadness would actually almost diminish what depression is, as I don’t think sadness even gets close,” Morgan told me. “It’s that feeling of listlessness, that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed, not eating, not showering, not finding any joy in things that normally would make you happy … Nothing interests you except for maybe staring blankly into onto YouTube for hours on end so that you can just kill the time till you can open up a bottle of vodka and drink again.”
In addition to working and engaging in basic household tasks, one of the most difficult aspects of depression is that it makes otherwise enjoyable activities devoid of joy or connection. Thus, basic human interactions are often overwhelming and stressful. And the shame of that difficulty makes the depression worse for Morgan. He reflected on how this affects his ability to engage with his wife and their children. “She just wants to spend time with me. And she just wants to do things together as a family. And it’s very difficult to say, but man, you know, the amount of stress it puts on me, just to go to the pumpkin patch today. I’ll do it for you. I’ll do it for you, because I love you. But it’s very difficult for me, you know what I mean?” he said. “And I think what makes it so tough is it just doesn’t seem like something that you should be unable to do. It seems like such a simple thing … And she’s been so patient and I feel bad. And that doesn’t help with the depression side.”
Historically, one of the few things that Morgan could count on to feel good was playing live music. Unfortunately, like almost all musicians, Seether had to cancel several shows because of the COVID-19 pandemic. This not only exacerbated Morgan’s depression but also resulted in anxiety. “And there’s that one element of playing the shows that gives you that sort of, that chemical dump in your brain that makes you feel so good. I haven’t had that in so long, I’m terrified,” Morgan said. “…I was ready to go and then it was all ripped out from underneath us. There’s just this anticipation then the crash. Then it’s the depression. And then it’s the anxiety. So, it’s just been it’s been kind of like a whirlwind man. And, you know, I have good and bad days … Unfortunately for the most part, it seems like the bad days are starting to outnumber the good ones.”
The anxiety has become so intense for Morgan that it often manifests in panic attacks. The intensity of a panic attack can be so overwhelming that many people initially believe they are having a heart attack. “It could start with arrhythmia and you sort of skip some beats in your heart. You get that hollow feeling like, oh my god, I’m dying,” Morgan said. “And then you get the shakes, and your breathing gets shallow and you start almost hyperventilating. And you do feel like you’re imminently on death’s doorstep. So it’s this horrible, terrifying feeling … I wish I didn’t feel this way. Like, I envy the people that have genuine happiness that have genuine lives free of anxiety, free of any kind of paranoia.”
The combination of depression and anxiety has created a confusing, and at times terrifying, experience by which Morgan is not always sure as to the origin of a given symptom at any particular time. The intensity of the experience has made Morgan reflect on his own mortality. “So, there’s all of these things raging together in some sort of horrific symphony… like, ‘Oh, what is that feeling? Why is my chest doing that? You know, why is my eyelid flickering?’” Morgan described. “Then my paranoia kicks in and I’m like, ‘Oh, my God, is this something serious?’ Like, you know, it’s just the snowball of negativity. Basically, I think what happened when I turned 40, unfortunately, was some light bulb went on, and said, ‘Hey, man, you aren’t indestructible. You aren’t immortal.’”
The panic that Morgan experiences has, at times, interfered with Morgan’s ability to function. “There have been times when I have interviews scheduled for a day and I’ve had to call Kyle my manager and say, ‘Hey, man, I just I can’t do it today,’” Morgan said. “‘Dude, I’m sitting here. I’m hyperventilating. You know, my heart’s racing, and I’m on the verge of a panic attack … I’m not good today’. And I feel bad doing it. Because I feel like I’m letting everybody down.”
Morgan will often compel himself to engage in the daily activities of his life. And while he appreciates that it makes him more functional, it does little to improve his depression or anxiety. “I’m lying on the bed saying I can’t do this again, today, I’ve got to get up and do something. Let me go to the grocery store – just again that small little thing – and I’ll get myself worked up to it. And I’ll literally work my courage up and my strength mentally and I’ll dress, shower, brush my teeth, do the whole nine, walk to the front door, and can’t even get through the threshold and turn around,” he explained. “…Then I go back to sitting on the couch and nothing has changed. Nothing has changed mentally; I’ve done some things around the house that are required and that I feel responsible for. But not a single one of those things made me feel better about myself. Not a single one of those things made me happy.”
The result is an ongoing war with his depression and anxiety that Morgan feels he needs to wage with his brain if he wants any true peace in his life. “Every single day, I can wake up and say, ‘Alright, today’s the day, I’m gonna go out, I’m gonna hit the gym or I’m gonna jump on this Peloton … You have all of the best intentions and then 30 seconds later, your brain will go, ‘Nah, man, you don’t want to do any of that, dude.’ And it wins. It wins almost every single time. It’s so difficult to break that cycle. But I know that once I can kind of break through it, I can maintain some sort of activity level that will keep me feeling good. Because what my brain doesn’t want me to do right now is go get that hit from the exercise. Because then it’s then it’s not winning anymore. Now I’m feeling good physically,” Morgan described. “Now, I’m feeling good mentally. Now, my brain isn’t where it’s accustomed to be, you know. Now it has to respond and react differently to things. And so it’s almost like I’m battling constantly with this other person saying that I want to be a better different version of myself and a much healthier version. But there’s this other guy that’s saying ‘No, man, you don’t want to be that guy. You want to just be this slob who’s depressed and lies around all day’… it’s a wrestling match. That’s a 24 hour a day wrestling match. And it really is so tough to beat this guy, to pin him down and get up and do something for yourself without feeling like there’s something on your back pulling you back inside it.”
Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum indeed.
Photo courtesy of Fantasy Records
