“Cause I don’t wanna come back down from this cloud
It’s taken me all this time to find out what I need”
From “Comedown” by Bush
The only time where I’m more excited to lose than I am to win is when I’m practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ). It is not uncommon during class that I find myself being placed in a choke, arm bar or triangle only to realize that I’m cheering on my partner as he or she moves me closer to submission, unconsciousness, or breaking something on me. In the midst of my enthusiasm it usually takes me a moment to realize that I am perhaps going to be in quite a bit of pain if I don’t escape. But whether or not I escape, I invariably congratulate them on their stellar move. And I particularly look forward to after class where they may coach me through what they did and how I could perform the technique or series of techniques myself. I love the process of learning BJJ, and the more mistakes I make, the tougher the opponents I face, the more I learn.
To be sure, the open-minded, cheerful and accepting approach I take to my BJJ training is decidedly not how I approach any other aspect of my life. I love getting positive feedback and being told I did something correctly. Great job! I’ll take all the positive feedback I can get and love every minute of it. In contrast, I am rather less-than-thrilled to receive negative feedback. I am incredibly sensitive to judgment, criticism and even well-intended constructive input. I do not see these critiques as opportunities to learn. I am defensive, guarded and unwilling to admit I’m wrong. Believe me when I tell you that my wife and children can confirm the accuracy of this assessment.
This more defensive posture is not particularly adaptive towards building the life I crave. I want people to be open and honest with me, as I want to be with them. I want their affection for me to be authentic, not based on shielding me from certain truths that I find too difficult to accept. And I don’t want people to build up resentment towards me because I wouldn’t just listen and couldn’t tolerate the fact that they may have been right in their critique. That’s not the world in which I want to live. That’s not how I hope to build connection with the people who I love.
I have been considering this discrepancy in how I experience feedback in the context of BJJ as compared to the other aspects of my life since my conversation with Gavin Rossdale of Bush for The Hardcore Humanism Podcast. During our discussion, Rossdale distinguished opinion from judgment. He considered judgments to be more critical and directed at the person, whereas opinions are merely offering an alternative perspective. Rossdale describes the scenario in which people tend to be more critical and harsher in their judgment. His description of such a person paints them as decidedly less evolved. “One person looks at a situation, judges it as if they haven’t ever dropped a glass, broken a bottle, f*cked up, made errors of judgment,” Rossdale explained. “Often goes hand in hand with people who feel very self-righteous and very perfect – usually hiding the most.” That certainly resonated – in BJJ I feel like I’m receiving an opinion rather than a judgment.
Rossdale’s assessment of these two styles of interaction reminded me of something that Professor Kevin Sheridan, founder of Be Grateful BJJ, said during one of our classes. “When you watch two white belts roll, it looks like an argument,” he said. “When you watch two black belts rolling, it looks like a conversation.” The implication being that as we train in BJJ, we begin to experience a more accepting and open approach to interacting with and receiving feedback from our partner.
So, what is it about BJJ training that makes it easier for me to be open and accepting of critique when I am not as easily able to do so in other areas of my life? The key, as indicated by the name of Professor Kevin’s school — appears to be gratitude. In its most colloquial meaning, gratitude is a basic process by which we are thankful. We feel appreciation for our life and for those who have demonstrated kindness towards us. And that is an important first step of gratitude. But in BJJ, gratitude goes a step further from being a feeling to being an active verb. We don’t just feel appreciation for the opportunity to train or for the people around us. We are grateful as an active process by which we not only open ourselves up to learning but also seek it out in its many forms. And that particularly includes seizing opportunities to make mistakes and learning from them. In fact, even the most advanced BJJ practitioners continuously look to learn from others who may possibly be better in some way.
This is a compelling philosophy. But what are the conditions that exist in BJJ training that facilitate an active gratitude? First and foremost, for many practitioners, BJJ becomes part of their life’s purpose. For many people, BJJ is either something you “get” or you don’t. And if you “get” it, no matter why you find it compelling — love of combat sports, a desire for self-defense, enjoying strategic pursuits – it becomes a part of you. It’s in your blood. Much like Rossdale’s description of his commitment to music, BJJ ultimately becomes immersive and part of one’s identity. And thus, it is easier to be open and grateful towards something that means so much to you and you know will be part of you forever.
Second, BJJ is a culture. We often feel defensive and unwilling to experience mistakes when interacting with competitive or self-righteous people – people who are “hiding the most” as Rossdale said. And yet BJJ culture is overwhelmed with people eager to share and learn different techniques and experiences. The thing is, arrogance doesn’t last in BJJ because there is no hiding. The mats don’t lie, and no one is interested in your ego. No matter how good you are, there is always someone better, more skilled or at least sharper on a given day. If you are not there to teach and learn, BJJ soon becomes a frustrating and painful experience. So, if we are surrounded by people who are there to support rather than judge, it becomes easier to have a grateful approach.
Further, if you’re into BJJ, it is something that is inherently enjoyable. Whether it’s the intense exercise that releases endorphins, getting into good shape, the camaraderie, the enjoyment of learning a skill or all of the above, BJJ is something that pays dividends. It is easier to be grateful towards something in which the benefit is obvious every step of the way.
Finally, for many people, BJJ is a lifelong pursuit to which you can always come back. There are many things in life for which there is no return. There are relationships that fail, jobs we don’t get, schools to which we are not admitted. But BJJ is always there. And many people like myself have taken hiatuses from training – my most recent being because of COVID. The training is not always linear, but the connection to the art tends to be permanent. Thus, the tension that arises from having to choose between achieving something within a certain period of time or not at all gives way to playing the long game in a more open and grateful way.
I am grateful for my BJJ training and can’t wait to get back at it. I am hoping to reap the most important benefit – which is to apply that gratitude towards the rest of my life. Because being a black belt at life is something for which we can certainly be grateful.
Photo Credit: Mark Bonica, Creative Commons
