S2 E4: What I Learned About Validation From Sean Long of While She Sleeps

“When the sun burns out will it all be worth it?

Will the stars fall down into you?

No one knows”

From “You Are All You Need” by While She Sleeps

What’s up Hardcore Humans! Today on the Hardcore Humanism Podcast we are talking with Sean Long – guitarist and founding member of the metalcore band While She Sleeps. Metalcore is an intense genre of music that combines heavy metal and hardcore punk. While She Sleeps has been making fantastic metalcore music for 15 years, and they have a new album coming out called Sleeps Society. The album includes the track, “You Are All You Need,” a song that Loudwire just raved, “is more proof that While She Sleeps are defining the current era of metalcore.”

And the theme of the song “You Are All You Need” is the topic of the conversation with Long — which is how we can provide ourselves with the validation we need in our life, and not necessarily rely on other people to provide that validation. So what do we mean by validation? Validation refers to the process by which we come to know that our emotions or feelings are acceptable and understandable in a given context. When we feel validated we feel more centered and sure of how we feel and who we are. Emotional validation becomes a strong basis upon which to build a sense of purpose and work for the life we want. But if we do not receive the validation we need, over time we start to doubt our sense of our own reality, become disconnected from who we are and our purpose in life. In extreme cases it gets to the point where we feel nullified – like we don’t matter as human beings.

At its core, validation is an inherently humanistic principle, because it affirms that all people deserve dignity – and to feel heard – particularly when it comes to their own emotions. Validation Therapy is a type of treatment that has been developed to work with people who struggle with Alzheimer’s Disease. The theory is that people with Alzheimer’s are particularly vulnerable to being invalidated by others and Validation Therapy can help restore feelings of dignity and self-worth in the presence of a horrible and life-threatening disease.

Another type of therapy that explicitly utilizes validation techniques is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT was originally developed to work with individuals diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The theory was that people who struggled with BPD would experience intense mood swings and engage in impulsive behavior to manage those feelings – including self-injury such as cutting or suicide attempts. The emotions and behaviors of an individual with BPD would often overwhelm others and thus elicit invalidating responses from others (e.g., “You’re acting crazy,” “You’re being irrational”). This invalidation would further exacerbate the individual’s negative feelings and risk further impulsive behavior. By providing validation, DBT aimed to stop that vicious cycle. The ultimate goal is that an individual could provide themselves with their own validation – without needing validation from others. One meta-analytic review of 18 studies found that DBT is effective in reducing self-injurious behavior.

During my conversation with Long, he shares the story of one of their shows where the attendance was far less than expected or hoped for. He was able to validate his feeling of being disappointed. It’s natural as you’re building your career in music to want as many people as possible at a show. And by validating his feelings, Long talked about how he was able to then connect to his music in that moment and just concentrate on playing the best show he could, regardless of how many people were there. So, take the external validation when it comes – allow yourself to feel good about it. And always do your best to build a community to support you. But always remember that your emotions and purpose are your own – it can neither be fully validated by others, nor can it ever be taken away. Connect with yourself, your purpose, and how you want to work hard to build the life you want no matter who is in your corner at a given point. And give yourself that internal validation you need to build the life you want.

So, let’s check out what Long has to say!