“‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away.”
From “Broken” by Seether
There are certain songs that just seem to stay with me long after they are released. Seether’s song “Broken” (2004) is one of those songs. There are many possible reasons why the song is compelling – fantastic vocals, great music and catchy melodies. But if I were to hazard a guess, I suspect that the secret sauce of the song for me is the lyric “’Cause I’m broken when I’m open.”
Taken at face value, the song seems to suggest that when we are open with others, it’s akin to being “broken” – damaged and hopeless. And if we are in fact open with others, we are ultimately existentially alone with nothing certain except death. And as such, many of us go through life desperately wanting to avoid being open with others because we fear that once we are open, we are broken and can never be fixed.
And conversely, we feel that feeling “whole” means avoiding being broken in any way. So we strive to seem perfect, like we have no problems. We convince ourselves that we are doing great. We are moving along with our lives, meeting our responsibilities and coping well. Sure we struggle a bit, but everyone does, right? And if we do have a problem we stay “positive,” smile and laugh our way through any issues we may be having. And perhaps most importantly – we keep our issues to ourselves. Every day that we can keep ourselves in check, and thus feel perfect and whole is another day that we avoided the terror of feeling broken and damaged.
Unfortunately, this fear is not unfounded. The truth is, being willing to confront, experience and express our demons can be very emotionally painful. And as a society, we’re often not particularly kind or compassionate when people are open about their struggles. As an example the stigma of mental illness is severe, with people who suffer often finding themselves both condemned and blamed for their illness. Accordingly, people with mental illness fear that if they share their struggles they will be shunned by peers, abandoned by romantic partners and fired from their jobs. And it’s not just mental health – we are scornful and derisive about a range of issues including physical health problems and relationship difficulties including divorce.
So who could blame us for wanting to avoid the pain that comes with being open? It certainly made sense to me and has for the last 15 plus years of enjoying the song. But after talking with Shaun Morgan of Seether about mental health for The Hardcore Humanism Podcast, I began to question whether that is the only way of interpreting the song. As time went on, I began to hear the song as less of a lamentation and more of a spiritual call to action. In fact, I think Seether’s new album title Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum (2020), which translates to mean “If You Want Peace, Prepare for War,” feels like a follow up to the theme of “Broken.” And the message may be that not only is being broken when we are open not a bad thing, but also it may be the most direct path to feeling whole or at peace.
What’s the logic behind that new interpretation? To start, there isn’t much evidence that the façade of being whole really works particularly well. Because in order to keep up that image, we must adapt a perfectionistic, all-or-none thought process that divides the world into “whole” and “broken” people. In fact, perfectionism has consistently been shown to be associated with poor mental health and well-being. Similarly, studies suggest that all-or-none thinking is associated with higher anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation.
Further, if being open is not a viable option, our only path is to try and ignore, avoid, or suppress any issues that may bubble up that threaten our fragile sense of perfection. And just like perfectionism and all-or-none thinking, the evidence is clear that emotional avoidance is not a healthy way of managing our emotional well-being. In fact, many theorists and practitioners believe that the tendency to avoid emotional experience is the “transdiagnostic” factor that is common across all forms of mental illness. This formulation is consistent with research showing how damaging emotional suppression can be on physical and mental health.
Finally, on a practical level, over the long haul, while we may strive to present a veneer of perfection, and avoid or suppress our feelings, it’s not that easy to hide our issues over the long haul. For example, we may want to convince ourselves that we do not have a drinking problem, and hide it from others, but individuals who struggle with alcohol abuse or dependence are much more likely to experience legal issues such as DUI arrests associated with drinking. We may tell ourselves and others that we have a perfect marriage but with as many as 50% of marriages ending in divorce, the issues we seek to conceal may eventually become known. And we may want to hide our depression, but as depression is the number one cause of work disability in the world, it becomes more difficult to tell ourselves and others that we’re doing “fine.”
In contrast, evidence suggests that open-minded people may be happier and more creative. And being open to confronting one’s issues is associated with improved health and well-being. As an example, decades of research suggest that psychotherapies for mental illness – which require one to openly express and discuss difficult emotions — can be efficacious in improving mental health. Similarly, studies show that confronting one’s emotions through expressive writing can improve reported physical health.
Further, I began thinking about almost anything I have done in my life that makes me feel at peace or “whole” – and it never is about protecting a perfectionistic image that is resistant to change. It’s always about embracing the paradox of breaking down and rebuilding in order to have a dynamic connection to growth and striving. I think of the metaphor of bodybuilding whereby in order to make gains, we break down our muscles so that they can build back up stronger. Being Creative—personally, professionally, artistically — is often predicated on being open to new ideas that require constantly being broken down and built back up. The military seeks to break down and build a soldier during boot camp to increase their ability to adapt and overcome. Success in a relationship feels predicated upon a willingness to be open to negative feedback and a desire to make changes to improve. And any business that is not open to adapt to changes in the market is most likely doomed.
In that light, perhaps being “broken when we’re open” is a call to embrace a different spiritual path. One in which being “broken” is not a defeat but rather a call to action. It is breaking away from the norms and conventional boundaries that keep us chained to the perfectionism and avoidance that leave us feeling unfulfilled. And if we give up that false image of perfection, we can embrace a lifetime of being open and broken as a way of constantly learning and growing. Being “whole” is not about being perfect or avoiding ourselves, but rather being open to the joy of breaking things down and building them back up over a lifetime.
And perhaps, we are only whole when we are broken and open.
Photo by Mat Reding on Unsplash
