Feeling “empty” can be a frightening and painful experience. When we feel emotional emptiness, we feel hollow — like there is simply nothing inside of us. This feeling can be very different from the “heavy” and overwhelming feelings of depression, panic or anger, which weigh us down because they seem to permeate every aspect of our being. Emotional emptiness is more of an uncomfortable lightness where we feel untethered. This feeling can be destabilizing as we feel disconnected from ourselves and others, and therefore unsure how to navigate our experience in the world.
What can make us feel even more unsettled when we feel empty is that we may blame ourselves for our emptiness. We see other people seeming to feel more “full” – connected to themselves and others – and it seems like a rich and satisfying existence. We may even recall times when we didn’t feel so empty and wish we could return to those times. We curse ourselves and ask, “What is wrong with us?” In these cases, we will often do whatever we can to feel something – anything. We might take drugs, eat unhealthy foods, engage in cutting or risky sexual relationships – anything to feel something.
To be sure, there are situations in which our emptiness is an indication that there is something “wrong.” We may have a biological predisposition to experience specific mental illnesses that leave us vulnerable to feelings of emptiness. For example, when we struggle with mood disorders, we often have an inability to experience pleasure. That disconnect between seemingly enjoyable activities and our lack of enjoyment can be experienced as emptiness. Or if we struggle with Panic Disorder, we can experience a sense of numbness that feels like emptiness. And one of the defining features of Borderline Personality Disorder is a chronic sense of emptiness, as well as an associated unstable sense of self. Using biological and skills-based treatments to treat these underlying mental health issues can be very valuable in addressing feelings of emptiness.
But sometimes we feel empty for a different reason. We feel empty not because there is something “wrong” with us per se, but because there is something “right” with us. We are truly not connecting with the environment around us because that environment is somehow toxic, and not consistent with our purpose and our life goals. This toxicity could be for several reasons. Perhaps the things we love and want in our lives are simply unavailable in the current environment – such as when we are isolated socially or do not have access to doing the things we love. Or it could be when we are experiencing harmful or abusive behavior from others from which we cannot immediately escape. And our emptiness is our mind and body refusing to connect to the toxic environment and holding a space for something different – something better.
In this case, emptiness may represent an openness – a willingness and ability to learn and experience new and exciting connections in the world. This conceptualization of emptiness is more consistent with Zen Buddhist philosophies that encourage us to “empty our cup” as a way to truly connecting with ourselves and the world around us. In this model, the hollowness or untethered feeling we have would be understood as an opportunity rather than a disconnect.
I have been thinking a lot about this issue since talking with Ann Wilson of the band Heart about her career and new solo album Fierce Bliss. In our conversation we discussed how toxic environments often exist in which other people judge our goals and aspirations, often in a critical and negative way. This experience can often leave us feeling empty, even questioning our connection to our own productive, creative or artistic work. But Wilson discussed how she came to view feelings of emptiness as a possible opportunity rather than a problem per se. Based in part on the conversation with Wilson, here are a few tips that people can use to cope with feelings of emptiness:
Our first step in coping with feelings of emptiness is to accept rather than avoid the experience. This approach begins a healthy pattern of listening to our bodies rather than suppressing our experience through unhealthy behaviors. We can accept our experience of emptiness through several different methods, including mindfulness meditation or simply writing down how we are feeling. Regardless of the specific method, it is optimal if we focus on the physical experience of emptiness. Does emptiness tend to be something we feel in our entire bodies, or rather is it localized to our head, heart or stomach? Does it feel painful? Do we feel more agitated or slowed down? Whatever the feeling, the more we can observe the somatic sensations of emptiness, the more we can become aware of and comfortable with the experience.
Second, once we begin to connect with our emptiness, we can take the next step of trying to understand our emptiness. Why do we feel empty? In doing so, we take the approach that our emptiness is part of an ongoing process of learning, developing and growing. We view the emptiness as a messenger – there is something that’s not sitting right with us and we want to understand it.
In order to achieve this task, it can often be helpful to either write down in a narrative format the “story” of why we feel empty. What past experiences are relevant? Have we had any recent losses or disappointments that might make us feel disconnected from our lives? Is an existing job or relationship not fulfilling? This may also be when we consider whether we have a biological mental health condition that leaves us predisposed to feeling empty. Whatever the possible hypotheses, the important thing is that the explanation feels authentic and “real.” This challenges the notion that our emptiness is something wrong with us, and begins a process by which it is a pathway to how we can feel more connected to ourselves.
Third, based on the connections we make between our sense of emptiness and our thoughts, behaviors and life experiences, we can begin to consider specific coping strategies to feel less empty. For example, we may discover that whenever we feel empty, exercise makes us feel more whole and connected to ourselves. Or perhaps engaging in some form of creative process such as listening to or performing music. Some of us tend to feel less empty simply when we talk with someone with whom we feel close. In other cases, we may not feel less empty until we resolve a conflict or end a toxic relationship. When examining options, it is important to consider as many possible coping strategies as we can so we can choose from a wide menu of potentially helpful tools.
Next, we can experiment with different strategies that might help us transition from feeling empty to feeling more “whole.” We try different strategies and see if and how they work. For example, we may decide that the combination of exercise, eating a healthy meal and getting a good night sleep, followed by connecting with someone close to us the next day, is a reliable combination. For others it may be writing in our journal that works the best. Regardless of which strategies work for a given situation, the key is to continually engage in the ongoing process of seeing our emptiness as part of a coping and potentially healing process.
Finally, once we explore, understand and cope with our emptiness, we can begin to use this information to develop a proactive lifestyle plan to help prevent feeling empty in the future. We can start seeking out situations that tend to make us feel whole. Simultaneously, we may start to learn how to avoid situations which we predict down the road will make us feel more empty. So, for example, exercising to cope with emptiness can become a more proactive and consistent exercise plan. Seeking out friends with whom we can connect when we feel empty might help us see who we want to spend more time with moving forward. Listening to music to feel better can begin a dedication to seeking out and supporting artists to whom we most connect.
So, if we embrace our emptiness, we can begin a process by which we not only feel more fulfilled, but engage in an ongoing process of building a lifetime of feeling “whole.”
Listen to Dr. Mike’s conversation with Ann Wilson here.
Photo Credit: Frederik Lower on Unsplash
