Who would not want to live in a more forgiving world?
Forgiveness towards others is a noble goal. It can be understood as a deliberate attempt to release feelings of anger that we may hold towards an individual or group – presumably in response to something they did to cause us or others harm. And research suggests that forgiveness is good for us, with studies showing that forgiveness is associated with indices of both improved mental health and physical health.
The rationale is that holding onto our anger can be as toxic to us as it is the target of our animosity. Plus, if we forgive others, we may contribute to creating a virtuous cycle in our social world in which forgiveness is more the norm, perhaps resulting in other people giving us leeway when we make mistakes. I was reminded of the power of forgiveness in my discussion with Jacoby Shaddix of the band Papa Roach in our discussion on The Hardcore Humanism Podcast, as he discussed the positive experience he had forgiving his father for relationship issues they had in the past.
In theory, one of the best parts of forgiveness is that it does not have to be contingent on whether we exonerate the offending party of their wrongdoing. We have complete control over the decision to let go of our emotional reaction to harmful experiences. And yet many people struggle to forgive. We often cannot “get over” transgressions that others have committed towards us or the people and things we care about.
One reason that forgiveness can be so difficult is that we often believe that in order to find peace through forgiveness we need to reject our anger. However, the true key to embracing forgiveness and its many benefits actually lies not in rejecting our anger, but rather in listening to and understanding our anger as a necessary and useful emotion. Thus, before letting go of our anger in a particular situation, we need to understand the function that anger plays in that situation and make sure to meet those needs before we forgive.
Anger is typically a maligned emotion, used as an indicator of instability, malevolence and dangerousness. But these stereotypes are only part of the story. In actuality, anger serves three important protective functions in our lives. The first is an emotional protection. Anger validates that something feels wrong – that we have been hurt emotionally. For example, anger can be an indicator of a deeper sadness or anxiety related to the loss of a loved one that we feel could have been prevented. Or maybe it is the result of a perceived injustice where we feel we are bullied, mocked or otherwise mistreated. In the presence of hurtful behavior, anger is an imperfect ally that keeps us focused on that issue in the same way that physical pain lets us know that we have a broken bone. And if we suppress or avoid that anger, we may be inadvertently worsening rather than improving our well-being. Thus, by experiencing anger, we may be suffering but we are also drawing attention to our pain. And while this anger remains, we remain motivated to pay attention to and treat our suffering.
The second function of anger is that it can be physically protective. Anger is often frightening to others, which can serve to discourage people from causing us harm in the moment or in the future. And anger can motivate us to take action in some way. For example, anger may motivate us to scream back at someone who is being verbally abusive, or even in more extreme cases defend ourselves physically from someone who is assaulting us.
The third function of anger is that it can be existentially protective. Judging forgiveness or anger in a vacuum does not allow for the possibility that anger may have different values in different people’s lives. Anger can preserve one’s authenticity and identity, and serve as a foundation for someone’s purpose in life. For example, an individual may not be angry at a specific individual, but could be angry at society for institutional disparities that may perpetuate poverty. And this anger may not serve a form of direct personal protection per se, but may motivate behaviors such as political activism or artistic expression that serve to address a given injustice and to reaffirm an individual’s values and purpose.
Thus, letting go of one’s anger without addressing and understanding anger’s protective functions can leave us vulnerable to being hurt again emotionally, physically and even existentially. So, many of us hold on to our anger and refuse to forgive because we have not figured out a better way to protect ourselves. But if we fully assess our protective concerns and put into place alternative protections, we can release our anger and embark on forgiving in a way that brings us peace without leaving us exposed.
So, how exactly do we do that?
The first step is to actively recognize and validate the potential benefits of holding on to our anger, while also acknowledging its potentially harmful effects. This approach is consistent with motivational interviewing approaches to substance dependence, whereby we explore the potential pros and cons of a given behavior in order to determine whether one could limit that behavior. Just as we may examine the benefits and harm of drinking behavior to treat alcohol dependence, we may ask ourselves how anger both protects and harms us. In this case, we may specifically examine how anger protects us by validating our emotions, motivating defensive behavior, and retaining our identity and purpose. Similarly, an individual would examine the ways that the same protective anger may cause harm physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually.
Second, we could then determine whether we can satisfy the emotionally protective function of anger through other mechanisms. For example, while anger may be validating when we feel isolated and alone without anyone to confirm our perceptions, there may be better ways to achieve validation. As an example, seeking out therapy, support groups, or more intimate communication with friends and loved ones may be a more direct and, ultimately, effective way of validating our feelings in comparison to anger.
Next, we can examine methods of providing ourselves with physical protection. Forgiving our anger towards someone who is toxic can be very difficult. But it’s easier if we’ve already taken proactive steps towards blocking the harmful behavior. For example, we may decide to end a toxic relationship or limit our interactions with that individual. If we feel physically threatened we may engage in some form of martial arts of self-defense training to feel less vulnerable. Alternatively, we could also feel physically more protected if the offending individual undergoes some type of change – like going through treatment that could give us reassurance that the negative interactions would not continue.
Fourth, we can explore whether we can attain our self-identity and purpose without anger. So, for example, if we are angry about poverty in our community and we fully engaged in political, social or economic action to address this type of societal injustice, we might feel less compelled to carry that anger with us as motivation to take action. Similarly, if we are an artist and feel that anger fuels our work, we may experiment with tapping into those feelings in a more circumscribed manner to attain our artistic goals. Or perhaps we can explore whether our art needs our anger to feel authentic and bold.
Finally, once we determine the protective benefits of anger and find other solutions for providing the same protection minus the harmful effects of anger, we can then consider whether releasing our anger will be a worthwhile choice. In essence, we will be more likely to forgive others if the protective function of our anger is being met through other methods. And if we continue to listen to and understand our anger rather than suppress it as an ongoing practice in our lives, we will be more likely to experience the peace and forgiveness we crave.
Photo by Al Soot on Unsplash
