“I’ve been so low there’s no ground left for me to put my feet on”
From “Bottom of a Bottle” by Butcher Babies
For many of us, the possibility that we are truly unlovable is our deepest and darkest fear. This fear goes far beyond what might be considered more conventional emotions such as yearning to be in a romantic relationship, hoping to develop more friendships, or even the pain of losing a close connection. It is a deep, gnawing and inescapable feeling in the pit of our stomach that tells us that we are ultimately unworthy of being loved by others.
Regardless of our pathway to this agonizing verdict, it’s what happens next that can be even more damaging. Once we feel that the outcome of being unlovable is inevitable, we stop engaging in behaviors that may help us find love in the world such as keeping in touch, seeking out social activities or trying internet dating. Making an effort to build relationships seems hopeless. Worse, we may no longer be receptive to efforts by others to connect with us on any meaningful level. In this scenario, we neither generate new opportunities nor are receptive to overtures from others. Consequently, this cycle of overwhelming yearning for love in combination with our deep belief that we are unlovable makes it nearly impossible to feel connected to ourselves, to our lives, or to the world around us.
I have been thinking about this issue since talking with Heidi Shepherd and Carla Harvey of the heavy metal band Butcher Babies on The Hardcore Humanism Podcast. During the conversation we discussed how they have faced several difficult issues that challenge one’s self-worth, including abandonment, ostracization and loss in their professional and personal lives. And as they shared their struggles, I was inspired by how they coped with these difficult issues over the course of their lives.
So, what are some ways we can break free from this toxic cycle?
First and foremost, we must acknowledge that feeling unlovable is a painful and devastating experience. In an effort to be supportive, we might be tempted to dismiss, challenge, or even ridicule ourselves or others for feeling unlovable. This may be well intended but invalidating emotions in this way can make those who feel unlovable further convinced that people do not understand. We can empathize without necessarily agreeing with someone that they are unlovable. For example, saying “That’s crazy, lots of people love you,” is different than saying, “I want to understand what you’re feeling, because what you’re saying is very different than how I see you.” It is crucial that we show empathy for ourselves or other people who feel unlovable so we don’t spiral further into a dark place.
Next, we need to reframe how we understand the concept of “love.” For many of us, love is a destination. And this destination can be measured only by specific tangible indicators — being in a committed romantic relationship, having active friendships, having many social media followers, etc. But this model is inherently flawed because it deems “love” to be something that is decided by others and, therefore, out of our control. In this case, we are at the mercy of others to determine our “love” value. And consequently, we may embark on or stay in unhealthy relationships to achieve those tangible outcomes as indicators that we are lovable.
Instead, we must change the concept of love from being an outcome to a purpose-driven skill. In effect, we must reject the concept of being “lovable” altogether. There is no such thing as being “lovable” or “unlovable.” There is the skill of loving and being loved. And like any other skill, one needs to commit to it as part of one’s purpose and work on it throughout their life. This purpose-driven skills-based model applies to most life pursuits such as eating healthy, exercise, religious practice, or meditation. These are pursuits that must be practiced consistently over time.
And how do we focus our efforts? We must think of the skill of love from the “inside out.” In doing so, we deconstruct and broaden the traditional definitions of how we love. This will provide us with many opportunities in any given day to be loving. We must start with ourselves – treating ourselves as we would in theory treat a loved one. If we loved ourselves as we would show love to others, what kind things can we say? What activities can we do to make ourselves happy? How would be take care of ourselves? Start with the most seemingly simple things such as finding our favorite foods, listening to our favorite music – all the way to more elaborate kindnesses such as planning fun trips for ourself. And this extends to the things around us that invigorate our lives. Do we show love towards our home? Do we give our work love and attention? What about things that we enjoy doing? Each of these becomes an opportunity for us to engage in the active skill of loving.
Next, we look around at the people in our life. How can we be kind and loving towards them? Starting with even the most distant connections, there is something kind that can be done. Wishing a happy birthday to people you know. Complimenting a post they have on social media. Sending them an email or text to share something you think they may enjoy. And for those with whom we are closer, we can simply let them know that we are thinking of them. We can offer to celebrate their good times or to provide help when they may need it.
Finally, we can think of ways of trying to connect with new people. If we don’t have people in our life currently, we can think about giving love to others in needs – including volunteering. We can get a pet. And then we can look to more traditional methods of building connections – directly asking people to get together or go on dates. Even during the pandemic, this is possible. Some options may be to meet up outside at a park, go for a walk together or have a picnic. The key is to focus on the process of being loving rather than the outcomes.
That being said, we don’t disregard outcomes in this skills model. As we engage in our loving behavior, we must examine our results. Do we feel good about what we are doing? Are we getting the results we want? While we still consider external indicators, they are used only to determine whether a particular strategy is useful. For example, we may spend a great deal of time investing in a community organization, which feels good, but may not yield as many connections as we had hoped. We would then consider focusing on other organizations to see if those outcomes changed. We would also examine how people react to our loving gestures, investing more time in people who were more likely to be receptive, kind and loving towards us.
With these strategies, we may be able to put an end to the idea that people are “unlovable,” and focus on developing our skills to live a more loving and connected life.
